Never Enough Spoons

Ever heard of the spoon theory? It's an analogy used to explain Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and similar illnesses, it states that on any given day you have 7 spoons of energy (the original spoon theory goes into more depth and has 12 spoons - click here to take a look). One spoon may be used on getting dressed and putting makeup on, another on driving to work, work itself can take up to 4 spoons, so by the time you've driven home that's already 7 spoons gone. Despite having used all of your spoons you still have to stay awake for the rest of the evening, eat dinner and prepare for work the next day (heavens forbid you need a shower!). All of this requires another 1-3 spoons, to cover your shortfall you have to take spoons from the next day.

You begin the following day with only 6 spoons of energy, since one was used yesterday. You still have to maintain the same level of activity as the day before (total 8 spoons) meaning that 2 spoons are now taken from the next day. The day after this you wake up with a grand total of 5 spoons, same deal, you have 8 spoons worth of things to get done so you are forced to take 3 from the day after. Continuing this trend, by Saturday you wake with 1 spoon. It is impossible to use only one spoon, on some days a soup ladle may be required to even get out of bed. Your weekend becomes a spoon recovery mission, resting and healing means any other activity is a no go. When Monday comes around the cycle recommences, each day forcing yourself to provide more spoons than you have.

                         

Whilst I think this is a good way to explain chronic fatigue, it starts to answer the "How come you could do it yesterday?" and "But you seem fine when you're at work." type questions; it doesn't even begin to touch on the frustration, nausea, and feeling of failure that accompanies chronic fatigue. It also doesn't explain the fact that after each crash your spoon capacity reduces, after a few crashes you start to only ever have a maximum of 6 spoons, then 5, then 4. You crash on a daily basis and your good days are so few are far between it feels like they don't exist anymore. It's so easy to become isolated and your mental health deteriorates. This is where I am, I'm done, my fight is gone, quite frankly I'm spoonless.

To combat this I need to be able to pace my life, to pitch it at a sustainable level for me. I can no longer meet other people’s definition of what my illness is, how they think it should or shouldn’t affect me. It’s time to accept that I am ill, I have disabilities. These are things that I have denied and fought against for years in an attempt to keep afloat. Now is the time to change, to find how to be happy again, accepting my illnesses and the aids that are needed to life with them. It's time to go back to basics and I hope that this blog will allow me to record my journey, so that in time I can look back and feel proud of what I'm achieving in recovery and maybe someone struggling in their own battle will find courage to restart their fight back too. How hard can it be?