Day 1 as a Jobless Lay About

Not really, in actual fact this is day one of recovery. Currently I am sat in bed, my window is open and the birds are serenading me, Alfie is at my feet, I've got a cup of tea and life doesn't seem as daunting as it did 24 hours ago. My plan for the day involves having a shower (quite the challenge and energy drain, but very necessary), then maybee doing a tiny bit of gardening or sewing.

I'm still hooked up to my heart monitor with all the itchy, sticky fun that that entails. It's like being the ball in a paddle and ball game, being occasionally janked backwards when you get caught on door handles or drop the monitor. (Did I mention I'm a clumsy person?) Hopefully it will give me the evidence I need to figure out what's actually wrong with my body.

Last night was hard, I'm not going to lie. Having to say goodbye to the beautiful children at work and their lovely family was heartbreaking. After I left the toddler ran to the door saying she needed to come with me, she's too little to understand. I feel pretty trapped and isolated at the moment. I have little to no independance and I'm almost completely reliant on my parents. I'm so thankful for them and my brother, they keep me strong and are always there to pick up the pieces and reassure me and fight my corner when I can't. It's frustrating when you can't do much to help yourself. All I can do is wait for my various NHS referrals to come through (current time to wait for a wheelchair appointment - 10 weeks, we're 1 week in). Everything feels scary at the moment, my future is so unknown. From the outside I'm sure it looks like this is an acute episode and I haven't been this isolated for that long. In reality it's been years that I've felt isolated, never able to keep up with friends and constantly dogged by the fear of becoming more ill. I'm beginning to realise how much I need to change to move past this, not to health but to a space where I can cope with bad health and still live.

Today will involve a great many deep breaths and positive affirmations but it will only last 24 hours, the same as every other day. Then, I'll be one step along this journey and one step closer to being ok again.